Wednesday, May 20, 2015

3rd Anal Toga/Bolder Boulder/Memorial Day Hash


What: 3rd Anal Toga/Bolder Boulder/Memorial Day Hash

It's Memorial Day and the day of the Bolder Boulder. We will annoy/enthral the tail end of the Bolder Boulder as we zigzag through sections of the course, drink beer, and tuck boners.

Afterwards, we will grill, drink, and nibble on the most decadent foods and beverages of all the land. So bring a dish, or bag of cheesy puffs, to pass and plenty of beer to sustain a drunken demeanor through the mid to late afternoon hours.

When: 9am on Monday, May 25 (Memorial Day). This will give any racists plenty of time to compete in their r*nning sports competition. If you have any worries about that start time, they will be alleviated by drinking a beer from someone's butt crack.

Where: Howard Heuston  Park (same place as last year) 3200 34th St.

Hares: Liza's Lady Dayz and his game-day decision co-Hare.

Bring: A really sexy toga, your really sexy sister, virgins, beers and other alcohols, weed and other hallucinogens, food and other things for your mouth, sex toys, a thorough understanding of the ghastly social issues that plagued the rapid industrialization of a young nation, not only in Chicago's meatpacking district, but most major cities worldwide during the Industrial Revolution and the many regions that have experienced shockingly similar socio-economic woes in the century since as their developing nations aspire to attain economic and financial stability spearheaded by increased automation and production abilities depicted in Upton Sinclair's 1906 novel The Jungle, a big black dildo, Polaroids of Dr. Beano's Mom.

Hash Cash: $5 for the Hash. Please bring additional beer and food as this will be a long day and I am hella poor so cannot provide much more than the simple pleasures of my sad looking penis.

D'Erections: We'll be on the grass somewhere art Howard Heuston Park. Look for street parking--you should be able to park on 34th street; take Foothills to Valmont (going west) then right/north on 34th. The Bolder Boulder may interfere with other routes to the park: check the official route to know where you have to drive around, or better yet just bike or walk there.

Contact: Did you take some chances with some sweet young recent CU grad--that I didn't sleep with--after the Bolder Boulder out behind Folsom Field and are now running late to the Hash? (e.g. Plan B)

Get lost on trail after chatting up a much older woman wearing Shape-ups walking the Bolder Boulder who you end up porking in a race-provided urinal and then realizing she does a lot of butt stuff--to your butt--during sex and would like to quickly find the next beer check to either forget or reminisce about the memories you just made? (e.g. POD)

Ever thought Cum Stain might be a good lay and then realize how ridiculous and hysterical that thought is so you give me a call to discuss then maybe we do some butt stuff to POD? (e.g. Anyone with half a mind)

There are a variety of reasons you may need/want to contact me. My number is 585-687-8552 and I will bring my phone on trail and check it at beer checks.

Additional Note: As you all know, this is a toga themed Hash. So there will inevitably be a lot of Animal House references. So, I took Bluto's (Jim Belushi) famous speech from the movie and edited it to reflect the Boulder Hash House Harriers. Because it's a Wednesday morning and why do my job when I can spend two hours on a Hash announcement no one will read? Enjoy you sorry sacks of shit.


[The setting: Liza's Lady Dayz just set trail and drank so much prior to and during trail that he fell asleep by the creek when he went to go pee. 45 minutes later, he awakes in a haze to find an unusually tepid BH3 kennel, sitting around, snacking on whatever delicious food Pippi brought and an unattended keg, surrounded by empty cups.]

Lady Dayz: Hey! What's this lying around shit?!

Cum Stain: What the hell we supposed to do, you moron?

Cummintonite: We're sober. Truck Stop peed in the keg.

Lady Dayz: What? "Sober"? Did you say "sober"? No one is sober until we decide they are! Were we sober when I got my nuts licked in Phoenix? Hell, no!

Beano: Nuts licked?

Pippi: Forget it, he's rolling.

Lady Dayz: And we ain't sober now. 'Cause when the drunk get sober [long pause] the sober get drunk! Who's with me? Let's go! Come on!

[Runs to the keg. No one follows. Walks back slowly.]

What the fuck happened to the Hashers l used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the ass play? This could be the greatest Hash of our lives but you're gonna let it be the worst. "Oh! We're afraid to go with you, Liza. We might get a venereal disease." Well just lick my nuts from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this! Truck Stop is a dead man! The Mapleton Elk: dead! Unarmed young black men--

Beano: Dead! Lady Dayz is right. Stoned and tripping on acid… but absolutely right. We gotta drink this beer. Now, we could go to Pearl Street Pub and take shots but that could take years and cost millions of dollars. No, no, no. No, in this case, I think we have to whip it out. I think this situation absolutely requires a really horny and erotic gesture be done to Truck Stop's mouth.

Lady Dayz: We're just the guys to do it.

Pippi: Let's do it.

Lady Dayz: Let's do it!

[Everyone cheers as they down the keg and molest Truck Stop and leave him--naked, cold, and alone--for the wolves at the end of the night.]

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